thematea

When i was a little girl, i always thought that i would have everything, and by that time i had everything... and i was feeling happy. Even though it was a war in my country, although the sirens were waking me up every morning and my dad would carry me to the nuclear shelter, although i was watching tanks on TV instead of cartoons , i really was happy. My family was there, always by my side and i felt like anything couldn't harm me. When i grow up a bit, i realized that this world is such a nasty place to live in, that people around you have so many faces, and they are showing only the good ones ( bed ones come to late)! I started dreaming that i could change this world that we are living in, i started to change my world... and i was feeling great. I had all i need and i still believed that i can achieve anything that i put myself into. Although the world was like huge fucking masquerade ball, where all was wearing the masks, my party was without make up! At least i thought it was. Soon after my perception started to change, people who i loved the most stabed the knife in my back. My family who was always there for me, like in that shelter, left me alone. My pretty pink world become a black hole without the end. My life started to loosing meaning, i started loosing myself. And this was the hardest thing to deal with. Looking yourself drowning and there isn't anyone offering you a hand... I always was a cry baby, not spoiled just  drama & panic about everything. This was the first time in my life when i wasn't crying, the hardest period of my life and i didn't had any tear left. That's strange! Some doctors told me that nobody can't help me until i decide that i wanna help myself. They were right... maybe... but i still couldn't find any reason to move on... this little girl stopped dreaming and wishing things for which she thought  it would come true. It's painfully to talk about it, but... I don't wanna mourn about the story of my life, i don't want to people feel sorry about me, this isn't point of what i am saying. I'm a big girl now ( at least i think i am ), and so many years passed. I can say i feel happy now, again, i still don't have everything , but i'll keep trying. I know there will always be a room for my wishes. Not in mine pink life, but in this cruel, masquerade ball , called world. We all know there will always be another mountain to climb, or lake to swimm, people who will wish you all the worst and trying you not to succeed in life... but it's easier for me now. Here are still my make up free friends, family and my boyfriend. The man because of who i am what i am today. Gonne trough alot and become a human finally... I'm screming this ya all : I'm still that same little girl, living a pink dream, who wanted so many, but now had achieve so much. And i will always leave place for more !!!